hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
This hospital has everything
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic