hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.