Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Okey dokey.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”