Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

doing some research

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

I would move hell over six inches for you

Would you wear it?

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.