Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Someone called a truck stop a trailer park today and at first I was like “idiot” but then I was like that actually makes more sense

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

I beg you to euthanise me