Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

PLOT TWIST:

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.