Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.