Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

😭😭

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

This tweet has been deleted

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.