Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

😂😂

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous