Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]