Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities