Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

I’ve disappointed better people.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed