Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.