Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
constantly working on myself.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?