Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.