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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
orange cat behavior
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?