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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
🏙👨🏼
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.