Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery