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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
handsome & gretel
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
How do you like your Corgi?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
