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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom