Hot hot hot 🥵
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
finally found a reasonable question
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.