Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
(2022)
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”