Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.