Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going