Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

A leaf blower, but for people.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Golf would be better with landmines.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.