hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
seems like a niche market
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three