Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.