*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum