Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

u spoke cat all this time??????

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

Become ungovernable.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.