“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: