Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Very problematic

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.