HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge