Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

😭😭😭

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.