Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift