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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge