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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
OH. COME. ON.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Duolingo getting serious.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.