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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Woke up against my better judgment again
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
White Castle for the Win
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.