HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
You Might Also Like
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
SONOFA
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”