Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

So sick of all these stupid rules

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.