Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Joseph Smith, 1833

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I can’t be the only one 😂

I’m never leaving this app.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want