Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.