Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.