HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
You Might Also Like
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Mapping America’s Far Right
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”