Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
You Might Also Like
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
This took me a second..
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.