Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

pelicons

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

Bring back the McRib

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.