Hot Panini is in big trouble
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[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.