hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*checks Timeline*…
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.