hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?