hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Current mood: Potato
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you