hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.