Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.