Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
NASA has no chill
