Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face