Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once