hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
A wise man once said nothing.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.