Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.