Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.