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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.