Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet