Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
You Might Also Like
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
This anagram machine is out of order.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Software Development ⛵️
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car