Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving