Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
