Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast