Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
fourth time’s the charm
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Ovenable?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale