Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*