Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Merica.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
How is it still this week?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*