Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
hackers play passwordle
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
🤣🤣🤣