Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.