Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wtf is an acronym

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Xylophonist Shredding It

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

based al yankovic

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

This is why I hate group projects

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.