Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that