me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The sacred texts.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My time has come.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..