@I_am_carbs

hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan

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@DoogieHorner

Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”

@JayCee302

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god

@ArfMeasures

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

@jonnysun

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

@saaamscottt6

almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday

@thedadvocate01

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

@fro_vo

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

@StayNobody

What can I get you to drink?
“Pepsi”
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?