Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”
hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan
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A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it
Wait couldn’t I just put the che
Mother of god
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
What can I get you to drink?
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?