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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice